- I'm proud to be a Jew - said the wise rabbi once - if I weren't proud I still would be a Jew. Then why shouldn't I be proud at least?
Liebowitz opens a confectionery. Ha put a sign up to the entrance: "No Jews allowed!"
The whole community gets riled up they go and demand explanation from him for this outrageous act!
You meshuggges! Have you ever tasted my cakes?
A capuchin friar and a rabbi sit in a café. Comes the waiter:
- I'd like a cappuccino. - orders the rabbi
- A rabbino for me. - says the friar.
- What's that? - the waiter asks.
- It's the same as cappuccino, but with a little bit more skin.
Jewess visits the rabbi.
- What to do to prevent pregnancy?
- Drink a glass of water.
- Before or after?
A nigger, a gypsy and a jew walks into the bar, and the bartender says: GET THE FUCK OUT
TIME TRAVELLER: What date is it?
GEORGE W. BUSH: September 11th, 2001.
TIME TRAVELLER: Before or after the attacks?
GEORGE W. BUSH: Before.
That's not a bad one.
The Székely gets conscripted into the navy.
- Can you swim? - asks the petty officer.
- Why? - comes the Székely back - Don't you have ships?
Most appropriate figure of speech ever. Not.
Three cannibals are having a chat:
- I like Japanese schoolgirls for their tender meat.
- I prefer athletes since the lack of fat.
- Have you guys seen Hungarian masons? Their liver is this big!
The joke takes place in fourteenth-century Russia under Mongol occupation.
A peasant and his wife were walking along a dusty country road; a Mongol warrior on a horse stopped at their side and told the peasant he would now proceed to rape his wife; he then added: “But since there is a lot of dust on the ground, you must hold my testicles while I rape your wife, so that they will not get dirty!”
Once the Mongol had done the deed and ridden away, the peasant started laughing and jumping with joy.
His surprised wife asked: “How can you be jumping with joy when I was just brutally raped
in your presence?”
The farmer answered: “But I got him! His balls are covered with dust!”
TWO JEWISH FRIENDS pass a Catholic church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics:
“Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!” While walking away, the
two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later, the
two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: “I still
wonder if that offer is serious.” The other replies condescendingly: “Ah you Jews, all you think about
I have a pdf with lots of these jokes, unfortunately I can't post it here
I'll try and post it when endchan comes back
That's in the same spirit as >>320
. There's a similar Russian joke about Jews.
Ahh, in the good old days they published joke books. "x thousand jokes" or thematic joke books. A classmate of mine had one with communist jokes.
Some Russian needs one ruble, and decides to borrow it from Jew.
- Hello, Abram, I need one ruble for two months.
- Oh, Ivan, surely I'll help, but it isn't ok for me to just give you a ruble, maybe you'll return 2 after two months.
- Ok, that is fair. I'll be back with two rubles
- Ivan, but what is the guarantee? If you wouldn't return that ruble, I'll suffer. Maybe you have something in exchange?
- Hmm, I have an axe, take it. I'll return with two rubles, you'll give me y axe back.
Jew gives Russian a ruble.
Jew: - Oh, great deal… but I thought that you'll be in difficult situation in two months, you would need to give me two rubles - that is big money. Maybe you'll just give me one ruble now, because you already have it. Then you would return other ruble?
Russian: - That's seem logical, Abram. Take this ruble.
Then Russian goes home and thinks: "Hmm. No ruble. No axe. One ruble in debt. But everything looks fair."
Pretty shure they still make them, altough I don't think they make as many as before
I guess. Great many books are published in general, consumerism reached the bookstores too.
Lost tourist walks up to a cop:
- Excuse me. Where can I find [insert street name]?
- How can you ask this stupid?
- I'm sorry, but you are the only one here.
A [Luftwaffe] serviceman is dying in a hospital bed. Feebly he calls out to the nurse.
'Sister, tell me, who have I made this sacrifice for?'
'Why, the German people, as personified by our fuhrer!'
'Can he be here by my side in these last moments sister?'
'Well no, that's not practical, but I can place this photo of him by your bedside'.
The nurse does so, then tells the man:
'You're an airman, so you've also done this for our Reichsmarschall… I'll place his photograph on the other side of your bed!'
The dying man looks from one picture to the other, smiles, and says:
'Thank you sister. Now I can die just like Jesus!'
WW2. One young Pole runs through the streets and young German soldier tries to catch him. Finally, Pole goes into dead end, there is nowhere to run and soldier aims his gun, preparing to shoot. But then they both hear voice of God from heaven:
- Don't shoot!
German soldier asks politely:
- But why? It is my order and he is the enemy.
- You need to save him. In future he'll become a Pope.
Soldier still unsure:
- But what will happen with me then if I'll do this good deed?
- Ok, you'll become Pope after him.
And another one.
Pope dies and goes into heaven. At the gates he encounters Saint Peter and says:
- Hello. I'm the Pope, may I come in?
- What? Who?
- Hmm. The Pope, head fo Christian faith, bishop of Rome.
Peter looks surprised and doesn't gets what's happening. He comes to the God, tells about that strange visitor and asks advice.
God us also surprised and calls Jesus to come. Jesus doesn't understand what is going on and goes to talk with the Pope directly. Then he returns in 10 minutes, laughing loud:
- Hah, do you remember that fishermen club that I've founded 2000 years ago? It still exists!
Laffed out loud.>>723
That's a good one too.>>725
That doesn't "bite" well. Maybe it's the translation. The punchline would sound better in Hungarian (actually we have a term that would fit better instead the fishermen club).
>>727>That doesn't "bite" well. Maybe it's the translation. The punchline would sound better in Hungarian (actually we have a term that would fit better instead the fishermen club).
Yes, originally it is something like "interest group". That word typically used for kids groups, where they learn something after school, but can be used for grown ups too.
First one is about John Paul and Benedict
I thought so.
We have a derisive term which came into use from a youth novel (Pál utcai fiúk
= The Boys of Paul Street, it has a few film adaptation, most notable one from the '70s, Hungarian-American co-production), some students had a gittegylet
= "putty club" (gitt
= putty, that soft plastic stuff that holds window glasses in place, well, held, it's old technology now). They were like four, three of them were members of the board and one regular member. They took the stuff very seriously, had slogan and seal and membership card and whatever, their activities centered around a lump of putty which always had to be chewed so it won't dry out…
So these types of small time associations, with no real influence on anything is called gittegylet
, but the idiom is also used belittlingly to any organization no matter of it's power.